I read somewhere that just last week the Obama administration declared distracted driving - such as driving while using cell phones or other handheld devices - a menace to society.
Well, it's about time someone in Washington recognized what I've been saying for years, that cell phones are going to be the death of us all if we don't do something and fast.
In fact, to help those busy folks in Washington out, I have taken the liberty of compiling a list of all the driving distractions - electronic or otherwise - that I strongly believe are a menace to society and our way of life. This list has not been approved by the Department of Transportation or by our female readers, but here it is anyway:
More driving distractions the government should ban
1. Cell phones that can receive emailed nudie pictures - Nothing is more dangerous than to be cruising along at about 60 miles per hour when one of your perverted friends or relatives (we all have at least one) sends you a photo of some scantily-clad swimsuit model. One of two things usually happens when a male receives a nudie picture while driving:
A. Not expecting such an indecent message, you pick up your phone and are so shocked that someone could commit such an immoral act that you run off the road and kill your neighbor's dog and mortally wound his mailbox.
B. Your wife catches you ogling the photo and starts flogging you about the head with the highway map from the glove compartment, therefore causing you to run off the road and strike the aforementioned dog and/or mailbox.
2. Talkative Wives - The politically correct AAA won't admit it, but this distraction causes more traffic collisions each year than any other. Here's why: when any other person calls you on your cell while you are driving - be that person friend, family member, telemarketer, or business associate - you can politely inform them that you are operating a motor vehicle at the present time and can't talk now, but you will be happy to call them back at a more convenient, and safer, time. Simple enough, right?
But suppose your talkative wife calls you while you're driving. And she's having a bad day. And she couldn't do anything with her hair. And her sister's done made her mad. And the kid is showing out. And she wants you to stop by the store. Try telling that troubled individual that you can't talk right now and see what happens.
Here's how most of my talking-on-the-cell-while-driving conversations go with my spouse:
Talkative Wife: "I need you to get some lettuce, and some milk..."
Husband: "Honey, did I mention that I am on the interstate?"
Talkative Wife: "...and some bread, and don't forget the butter..."
Husband: "Honey, now there's a cop on my tail..."
Talkative Wife: "...and did I tell you what your son did to me today?"
Husband: "Honey, I've really got to go, the state trooper is now standing at my window and he looks kind of mad..."
Talkative Wife: "...and you are not going to believe what my sister did to my hair..."
3. Small children - Second only to talkative wives in terms of distraction are mischievous little boys, who sit directly behind Daddy so they can reach forward and snatch his hat off his head, or kick the back of the seat, or throw little plastic footballs at him when he won't play the 100th Kids Bop CD that the brat just got in his Happy Meal from the Burger King Drive-Thru.
While small children themselves can be a driving distraction, it's even more of a distraction to try and turn around and smack a kid sitting directly behind you while driving, and I don't recommend doing so unless you are a very accomplished driver, or if your wife is busy talking on the cell phone and doesn't have a free hand.
4. Meatball subs - While this has nothing to do with cell phones, or any other type of electronic device, don't you just hate it when you're eating that sloppy meatball sub while driving and the last meatball falls from the sandwich and rolls between the gas pedal and the brake?
I mean, you don't want to take your eyes off the road and reach down for it, but it is the last meatball and there is the five-second rule to consider, you know.
5. CD players and Elvis Presley - Especially when your wife insists on listening to old Elvis and Johnny Cash CD's while your drive. Nothing puts a driver to sleep behind the wheel quicker than Elvis singing the Christmas blues.
5. Whitetail deer - While this also has nothing to do with cell phones, someone
should really do something about the large population of deer that live in South Carolina, most of which only come out after dark and hold night-blindness conventions along the country roads that I travel frequently going back and forth from home to work.
In fact, I think the Obama administration should look into a longer hunting season, or at least let drivers shoot deer from their car windows at night.
But on second thought, the last distraction this society needs is a talkative wife carrying both a cell phone and a gun.