Psst. I have a secret to tell you. Come closer.
But first, you must promise not to tell anyone. It's kind of embarrassing. Promise? Ready to hear it?
My wife is afraid of roaches. Deathly afraid. Especially the big, scary ones. And don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about, ladies.
It only takes a glimpse of one roach, one lonely bug, to end a peaceful afternoon spent watching World Cup soccer.
Especially when that one insect is a large, hairy-legged, grotesque brown fellow, who flies directly into my wife's lap, or worse, scoots suddenly up her pants leg.
This usually results in a free-for-all, screeching, screaming, pirouetting display of feminine hysteria that both shocks and entertains the entire family for several minutes, which is perhaps just a distraction for the rest of the roaches to run a few laps around the kitchen looking for goodies and perhaps play a quick game of hopscotch on the dinner table.
Now, let me stress here that my wife keeps a pretty clean house (I know this because I help take my turn with the dishes and vacuuming once a week, whether I want to or not). So there are differing ideas as to why these pests visit our home. I fancy that they're attending an annual family reunion, or perhaps some roach convention, and the large number of pecan trees and blooming Pampas grasses surrounding our house make for the perfect quaint country setting.
Or you could believe my wife's silly theory that they are attracted to her lazy husband, who never patched the holes or sealed the cracks or called the exterminator; or her slobby six-year-old son, who leaves a trail of Pop-Tart-flavored roach bait in his wake.
Whatever the reason for the insect invasion, this six-legged enemy has underestimated its frightened female adversary, who will stop at nothing to ensure that I do something about these disgusting creepy crawlies or else pack my bags and move out.
Sorry, but I don't respond well to threats, sweetheart.
While I was pumping up the sprayer filled to the rim with XXX-brand double-ought bug poison, the deadliest and most expensive I could find, I took a moment to read up on the six-legged vermin that I must destroy if I ever wanted to finish watching the once-every-four-years soccer tournament in peace.
Interesting creatures. More commonly known as the American cockroach, or Periplaneta americana (yes, I agree that Palmetto bug sounds better), they are not really Americans at all. They came to the southern U.S. from Africa as early as 1625. Apparently no one has thought to inform them that their passports have since expired.
They like tropical climates, which might explain why they like to vacation in the South Carolina Lowcountry, or more specifically at the DeWitt residence for the July 4th weekend.
The largest of the common cockroaches, they can still fit into the smallest of cracks and crevices, which is handy when you're sneaking up on an even larger species, the common housewife.
Very active night animals that shun light, these insects have a pair of large compound eyes, each having over 2,000 individual lenses, which are handy for both keeping an eye out for the Bug Busters man and Pop-Tart crumbs simultaneously, but are a bit costly and inconvenient when replacing contact lenses.
According to Wikipedia, the American cockroach can live up to be a year old, during which time adult females produce an average of 150 young. Wikipedia was unclear as to exactly whose house those 150 bugs would be vacationing in next year, however.
With so many young to support, no wonder these bugs can run so quickly. Male Palmetto Bugs are considered one of the fastest running insects. In fact, in an experiment at the University of California, Berkeley in 1991, a speedy roach was clocked at 3.4 miles per hour, or about 50 body lengths per second, which would be comparable to a human running at 210 mph.
Which begs the question: what's faster, a screeching, scared housewife with a bug phobia or a scurrying cockroach dodging child support?
Interesting question. Perhaps when the World Cup goes off, we'll just have to find out.