I'm going on vacation this week, and I'm packing only the essentials.
I'm taking the Wii game. And maybe the wife and kid, but only because I need extra players.
Just so you know, we're headed to the lake for a four-day weekend supposedly spent eating boiled peanuts on the dock while doing lots of fishing. But first, I plan to stop by the closest Wal-Mart for that new Bass Masters fishing game, complete with the Wii controller that looks and feels like a real fishing rod.
I can picture it now. After spending all day out on the lake, and not catching anything but sunstroke and the West Nile virus, my six-year-old son and I can step inside the cool air conditioned screened-in comfort of the lake house, fire up the Wii, and in no time at all we'll be hauling in lunker ten-pound bass, slab-sided crappie, and world-record-breaking catfish. Every now and then we'll let one get away, just to give the virtual fish a sporting chance.
We are conservationists, you know.
(Tell me, if you get your virtual line tangled up on a virtual tree in a virtual fishing game, does that make you a virtual idiot, or a real idiot?)
And before you know it, we're not even wasting time anymore with the "real" fish, who supposedly live out there in the lake but haven't been seen since they were stocked during the Hoover Administration. Soon, the only time we disconnect ourselves from the Wii wrist strap is to catch a little sleep, or maybe to make a run down the lake to Mary's Hot Boiled Peanut stand.
But as much as I love the Wii, they could make those games a tad bit more realistic, just to make things interesting, and I'll tell you how. For example, when you catch more fish than your wife, just press "A" and your "Mii" character can laugh in her face.
Press "B" to make your Mii say four-syllable cuss words when your wife snags a largemouth as big as your leg and you're holding a pitiful little sardine.
And about every third virtual cast should result in either A) the hooking of an underwater tree stump, B) a backlash that looks like a bird nest, or C) the painful hooking of a friend or family member.
Flick the Wii stick a few times, and you've just lost your new $10 glow-in-the-dark sonic bass lure. Flick it again, and you've got a treble hook deep in your wife's ear like a cheap and gawdy earring. Flick it again, and watch her squirm and holler like a big old baby before you reel her in.
Should we use the Wii stick as a flare to signal the Coast Guard for medical help, or should we explore that promising patch of water around the bend? It's not real, so the squealing wife can't really kill you.
Oh, look out! It's the game warden (substitute snake/hornet nest/eight foot alligator). Use the Wii controller as a paddle and get out of there as fast as you can!
Uh oh, in a fit of unjustified rage your wife's Mii just kicked your Mii out of the boat and threw his tackle to the bottom of the lake. Game over.
But there should always be a separate Wii stick, a backup controller, just for swatting mosquitoes and killing snakes while you're sleeping outdoors in the virtual dog house.
Hey, why limit this Wii vacation to fishing? I'd love to go on a golf outing, but who can afford that? So instead, maybe I'll drag the old big screen TV out in the yard, hook up Wii Golf, and tee off. Switch to the Wii "steering wheel" controller, and we're racing around the course on a souped-up golf cart. Oops, a virtual eight-foot alligator just ate my ball. Darn gators again!
Wait a minute, the kid's Mii is now laughing at me as he makes a putt for parr. Now, watch me switch the Wii to "corporal punishment' mode and now I'm swinging away at his virtual rear end, spanking him until he learns his lesson or the batteries die in the Wii remote.
Yeah, that's the vacation for Mii, oops, I mean me. I can just picture it. Pour me another glass of lemonade, honey, I'm never leaving the house again.
You know the best part of the whole Wii vacation package?
You don't have to worry about divorce lawyers or child protective services.
And Wii fish don't stink.