I know many of you folks will soon embark on that long-awaited and long-dreaded family vacation.
Your entire dysfunctional family will be right there in the back of that SUV. Yep, they're all crammed into that tiny vehicle, even that wife who insisted on bringing every pet the family owns, even that kid that you suspect might be a little off in the head that your wife says is yours but you have your doubts about, and even that teenage girl who might not make it back from this vacation alive is she makes one more smart-mouth comment.
Tempers are going to be short, and the days are going to be long and hot, but just by following a handful of these vacation safety - and sanity - tips you just may be able to salvage your vacation, if not your marriage.
- The first secret to a successful and fun family outing is to pack wisely. No honey, that doesn't mean pack four outfits and four suitcases for every day, nor does it mean load up the dishwasher just so you won't have to spend your entire vacation washing dishes.
- When packing for a vacation, take only what you absolutely need. For example, if you have space in the trunk for either that small television, or the mother-in-law, leave mom-in-law home this time.
- Go ahead and spank your children now, before they even get in the car. Just beat the tar out of them as they line up to get into the family wagon. That way, no matter what they do while sitting in the blind spot behind your seat they've already been punished for it.
And besides, you never know what the corporal punishment laws are up ahead in the next state, so it's better to go ahead and get the good beatings out of the way before you leave home.
- Let your wife plan and map out the entire vacation before you leave. Let her plan the route and the rest stops and even the destinations. She's going to do it anyway. And you're going to get lost anyway, and have a miserable time anyway, but at least you can say "I told you so" all the way back from Disneyworld.
- It is considered a crime to abandon a family member in a strange state, even if they were running their mouth in the back seat and just wouldn't shut up. That goes for the kids, too.
- Ladies, never let your husband drive home after an outdoor vacation such as a hunting expedition, a fishing trip, or a weekend of golf. Such men are dangerous enough when armed with rod or gun, but when behind the wheel they can cause catastrophic damage, mainly for their unnerving habit of removing both hands from the wheel to show you just how big that deer's rack was or how large that largemouth bass was or just how close that golf drive came to being a hole in one, causing your station wagon to end up looking like a Christmas ornament hanging from a tree in July.
- Speaking of hunting, never let your husband try to hit a deer, moose, elk, or caribou while driving to that cabin in the mountains and then tell his friends he spent the weekend big game hunting up North.
- Never try to discipline your children while driving down the road. It's distracting for other drivers to pull along side you and see that not only is no one actually driving the vehicle, the lunatic in the driver's seat has turned completely around and is flogging his child in the back seat. That's what they make rest stops for.
- And speaking of rest stops, please don't expect your children to hold it through more than one state without stopping for a bathroom break. There's nothing harder to explain to a state trooper than how a small child managed to explode in the back seat of your car. And no, handing them an empty Mountain Dew bottle to pass around is not a very nice option, either.
- Finally, be sure to bring the camcorder and lots of cameras, partly because you won't want to miss a moment of your wonderful family vacation, and partly so you have plenty of evidence for your temporary insanity plea as you try to present your case before a jury of your peers.
Good luck, and have a great vacation!