You can learn a lot by taking a "do-nothing" day.
In case you're wondering what a "do-nothing" day is, it's when you get to drop out of the workforce for a day, but you still get paid for it and you don't lose your job.
And unlike a vacation day, a do-nothing day is where you don't have to go travel a long distance with a kid kicking you in the back of your seat, or worry about sand in your shorts and sunburn, or wait in long amusement park lines.
Friday was going to be just such a day for me, a day that the wife had to work and the kid had school, a day in which I planned to sit around in my underwear all day, eat cereal and milk from a large Cool Whip bowl, scratch the itchy places occasionally, and watch televised sports and reruns.
It was to be a day which would live in lazy male infamy.
Except I made two mistakes. First, I told the wife I had the day off work.
"You're off work, huh," she promptly responded. "Good, now you can fix that light fixture in the hallway and patch that leak in the bathroom. And don't forget about the trash while you're at it..."
And then I made the mistake of telling the slave driving farmer who lives next door and happens to be my father about my plans for a do-nothing day.
"You're off work, huh," he promptly responded. "Good, you can help me. I've got some fence posts that need holes and some manure that needs spreading. And don't forget to feed all the critters while you're at it..."
Not that I don't enjoy household chores and spreading horse manure, but in retrospect, you can learn a lot by taking a do-nothing day. For example, I learned:
- How to put off those chores as long as possible. After all, it was a day off. Go run some errands and pay some bills, go to the coffee shop and the hardware store and the library. With any luck, either you'll run out of daylight or some other sucker will come along and dig the holes and spread the compost. And maybe that leak will stop leaking.
- It doesn't take long to run to run errands and pay bills when you don't have much money.
- That you can save the world just by listening to some old man coffee shop gossip. You know the old guys I'm talking about, they're at the restaurants early every morning, sipping coffee and gossiping and solving all the world's problems.
You know old man gossip when you hear it. Old man gossip usually involves politics and fishing and past experiences with women, some of which may be fictitious and all of which occurred during something called "back in the old days."
-Always go to a hardware store before you do any home improvement project, such as fixing light fixtures or patching leaks. Hardware stores are usually filled with fellows who hang around hardware stores because they don't want to go to work, but who will gladly tell you the best way to fix your problem, whether it be the leaky faucet or the wife.
And there also good places to hear more gossip about politics, fishing, and past experiences with women.
- The local library is a great place to check out how-to books on electrical and plumbing repairs and even fence post installation. With any luck, you can kill hour after blissful hour in the air conditioned library reading about home improvement without breaking a sweat.
- Beauty shop gossip is the best. After visiting the coffee shop and the hardware store and the local library, there's always time for a haircut. And no one knows more about spreading manure than those ladies that cut your hair.
Unlike those places most often frequented by males, you get the good gossip anywhere women gather to get their hair done. When you leave a beauty parlor you know who's been naughty, who's been nice, and who's a no-good cheating so-and-so who hangs around coffee shops and hardware stores, etc.
-Finally, I learned that next time I plan to take a do-nothing day to keep it a secret. I won't tell a soul. Except maybe the boss.
Maybe.