I yelled at my wife the other day and made her cry. I know, it was a lousy thing to do, and I felt terrible later, but I swear she started it.
When Sparky got through punishing me, however, I suddenly realized that I had a pretty good spouse and should consider myself quite fortunate: a lot of men don't have wonderful wives like I do.
But just how do you know? How do you really know if you have a good wife, or one you need to throw head first in the recycle bin?
Well, since I've had plenty of time to think about it while I was hunkered down in the dog house, writing on the chalkboard a thousand times "I love my wife," I have taken the liberty of compiling a handy guide to help you determine if your spouse is good or evil.

You might have a bad wife if ...
- If you work all day and have to come home and cook supper for the kids so your unemployed wife won't miss the latest episode of Dancing With The Stars, you might have a bad wife.
- If the rural mail carrier stops you to ask the results of your pregnant wife's latest ultrasound, you might have a bad wife.
- If you have ever been listed as the "complainant" on a police criminal domestic violence report, you might have a bad wife.
- If you don't have a key to your own castle and have to knock when you come around, you might have a bad wife.
- If she won't let you answer her cell phone in the middle of the night, you might have a bad wife.
- If she talks trash about your tiny I.Q. to her 737 Facebook friends, you might have a bad wife.
- If your car breaks down in the middle of the night, and she refuses to come pick you up until morning, you might have a bad wife.
- If she has never cooked breakfast in the entire time you've known her, you might have a bad wife.
- If she has ever come to dinner and snuck a shrimp in her pocket, just to prove that your mother really isn't deathly allergic to seafood like she claims, you might have a bad wife.
If any of the above describes your wife, good luck to you, sir.

You might have a good wife if ...
- If she has ever picked squash and watermelons and okra and helped you remodel the house and paint the sheetrock in the nursery - all while seven months pregnant - you might have a good wife.
- If she keeps the oil changed in your truck for you, you might have a good wife.
- If she cries when you break her brand new Lady Zebco fishing pole, you might have a good wife.
- If she lets you in the bed, exhausted, even though your feet are a little dirty, you might have a good wife.
- If she feeds the dogs and the hogs and the cows for you when you have to work late, you might have a good wife.
- If your bills somehow magically get paid, and the electricity works, and you still have a little fish bait money left at the end of the week, you might have a good wife.
- If your grandmother approves of her, and shares her best recipes with her, you might have a good wife.
- If she patiently waits in labor, and practices her deep breathing until the football game goes off, you might have a good wife.
- If the two of you can get into an argument, and somebody gets loud and uses the words "horse" and "ass" in the same sentence, and no one is talking about livestock, and five minutes later you're sitting next to each other on the couch like nothing ever happened, you might have a good wife.
- If she never tells anyone about what she saw in the laundry basket the other day, you might have a good wife.
- If she lets you DVR college football on every television in the house at the same time, you might have a good wife.
- If her idea of ending an argument is blocking the hallway so you can't get by, until you have no choice but to hug her and accept her apology, you might have a good wife.
- If she works outside the home, and still keeps everybody fed and clothed and clean, and helps the kids with homework, and all you have to do is take out the garbage once or twice a week and hang a picture frame every now and then, you might have a good wife.
Men, if you have a good wife on your hands, be nice to her. Hold on to her. Try not to yell so much. And a flower ever now and then wouldn't kill you.
Well, that ought to help you distinguish what kind of spouse is in your house. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to get back to my punishment.
I love my wife. I love my wife. I love my wife ...