They're cautiously stepping out from their cover, their frightful, innocent eyes darting about nervously. They've had it too easy for far too long, living an easy existence with no one in pursuit. Now it's time to leave the safety of their beds, to face the wild, wild world once again.
Deer season opened Sunday, and this could aptly describe our local deer population. And school started back for most kids on Monday, so this could apply to a few dear two-legged creatures as well.
Yes, it's mid-August and there's lots going on, which is always a mystery to me. I don't see how deer hunters and teachers chase those animals in all this heat and humidity. It makes me sweat just thinking about it, as I lie here on the couch at home enjoying the blissful peace that only the first day of school can bring a parent.
There are other mysteries of mid-August that puzzle me, like that herd of deer I've seen all spring and summer, that kept flirting with our front bumper while driving about at night. Now that it's the season to hunt them down and destroy them for what they did to my wife's new paint job, they are nowhere to be found, certainly not under my deer stand.
They have apparently dropped off the face of the planet until Jan. 1. It's like they have an inner alarm that goes off exactly on August 15 to warn them of the annual threat of human danger, or maybe every herd of deer has a designated Keeper of the Calendar who keeps a watchful eye on us homo sapien hunters and spreads the word to all.
"All right, boys," I can just imagine a clever Hampton County deer saying to his friends. "There are camouflaged rednecks and pickups with out-of-state tags everywhere. And I think I heard a school bus crank up. It's time to hightail our whitetails out of here" (don't make fun of me, how am I supposed to know how deers talk?).
Mid-August has other mysteries that bother me. Like that kid that's been hanging around my house all summer, who has been waking up at the slightest hint of daylight every weekend to harass his parents into turning on the Cartoon Network and firing up the waffle maker; who now has to be dragged from his bed by his toes to get up for school. This is not only irritating but it tends to make a child's feet and legs grow at an astounding rate.
Which brings me to another mystery. Didn't I buy all-new school clothes and uniforms and shoes last year? Has the kid grown that much in one year?
What's really a mystery to me is how I'm going to get all my honey-do chores done by Labor Day so that I can free up all my Saturdays to go deer hunting and watch college football, without the wife divorcing me or getting all criminal domestic on my camouflaged rear end.
Which reminds me, I cleaned out the wife's car the other day and finally found what was producing that disgusting smell all summer. After digging around in the trunk, I discovered a bottle of Doe In Heat deer urine buck lure that had spilled on the upholstery. No wonder the deer seemed to be in love with her front bumper.
It had been in the hot car so long it had started to swell up and change colors before bursting.. How it got there, I don't know.
It's a mystery to me.