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Mother's Day when your child has died, how do you cope?

Mother's Day when your child has died, how do you cope?

Submitted by goldstarmom on Thu, 05/07/2009 - 10:19am.

On November 12, 2006 my middle son Buck Winkler was killed in Iraq. That was news that no parent wants to get. You aren't suppose to bury your children, that's just not the norm of things. I have to say that your child doesn't have to die in war, whatever the circumstances the death of a child is the hardest thing that a parent can ever cope with in life

After months of an emotional rollercoaster ride, one I'm still on, I found ways to help me start to live each day. I had spoken to many people, mostly mothers, before Buck was killed that had a child die. It was a thing that even after years, that you will never "get over". These mothers had told me that it was like yesterday, to them. I didn't understand that but knew in my heart that it was something I never wanted to go through. Well it did happen to me and yes it's like Buck's death just happened especially each holiday.

Mother's Day is probably one of the hardest holidays for any mother to go through that has had a child die. I don't use the word "lost" as they aren't lost. You loose keys, notes, and other things but you didn't loose your child, they died or were killed. Their presense on earth is no more but their memory in your heart lives on forever.

Grief is the hardest thing to live with. We grieve for the loss of jobs, bad health and situations we have no control of. Those are the types of grief that you can get over but when you have the death of a child that is something you never "get over". People around you wonder why you just can't get on with your life. Months have past and yet they feel that you should be over the death and get on with life as it was before. Gosh is that ever a myth.

What we do learn is how we must get through each minute of each day with the living that we know we must do. The normal that was will never be again as you are a broken family and again the "healing" is continous.

When Buck was killed the first Mother's Day was so hard that I thought I couldn't get up and go to church or be around others. I did go to church and was around my church family. They never once said "how are you? are you over the death of Buck?" Those remarks made me want to just scream when others would say that to me. What I did was remember Buck, Cathy and David my children as a family. I remembered the funny things they use to give me and the silly things they use to do. Yes Cathy and Buck are still alive and I give thanks to God each day for that. My stepchildren George, Amy and Brandy bring joy to my life too. But still we're broken at heart.

How do I cope? Well I may write a letter to my son, or post on his My Space page and especially his Legacy.com page. I have an online support group for Gold Star Families (families of the Fallen) and we bring ways in which we celebrate this special day. Some set a place setting for their son or daughter, others go out to eat and order something that their child would have loved. WE all though share the day in memory of our child. You see they are still and will always be part of our family and should never be put aside.

Find your memory in pictures, stories or sharing their life that they loved and lived. Find a support group that has parents or families that have had children die and give input. If there isn't a support group then start one either locally or online. Ask your church pastor to remember all those mothers whose child has left God's earth and surround them with comfort and interpeace.

No holidays aren't a happy place when you've had a child die but with help from those who have gone through this terrible tragedy before you, you will learn to find your way of celebrating their life.


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My son's death

Submitted by Rolands mom on Sun, 05/10/2009 - 1:20pm.

I am so sorry for your nightmare.  I have not lost a child to the insanity of war, but to pneumonia.  My sore is still very raw, for I lost Roland on February 1, 2009.  He was 32 and a half years old.  He was my eldest son, and the very essence of my soul.  I cannot believe that you still function!!!  I keep asking myself how I still manage to drag myself from bed every miserable day of my life.  The daily tasks of life have become a true challenge,  and my heart has been severely pierced, and my soul has become transparent, for there is nothing left in it.  My very steps are empty ones-completely empty.  I have not been able to return to my job-do not know if I will.  I am a teacher by profession, and I truly loved my job, but that zest is gone, and I cannot seem to recapture it! I could not return to my home when my son left this world, for I knew it would be too much to handle, so I am staying with my sister.  I have made trips home, and the first thing to greet me was his Christmas stocking, stsill hanging in the foyer.  All memories strike deeply into my heart, and, as I sit here, with these stupid ,endless tears, I know I will never be the same person.  I thank you for letting me use this blog as an outlet, for I know not where else to turn.  I see celebrations and festivity, all around me, and even that brings me to my knees.  As I see these people celebrating, I actually wonder what gives them the right?!  You and I, and many more are riding on the same train wreck, and I truly, truly pray you will find some sort of peace.  I have tried, but I am angry, frustrated, and frightened of my life without my son, for no more beautiful memories will be formed.  For you, and me, and many more moms, our tomorrows are no longer, for we onlly have yesterdays.  Did you ever question your faith?  I find myself struggling to hold on to my  faith, but it is such a challenge!  Forgive me for rambling on, but I hurt so much, and as you probably know, I cannot seem  to find comfort from anyone, or anything, at anytime!  Losing my son is the ultimate challenge of life, one that no parent should have to partake in.  Thank you for listeninig...Roland's mom

Re: Mother's Day when your child has died (My Son's Death)

Submitted by goldstarmom on Mon, 05/11/2009 - 8:26am.

Roland's mom, my heart felt every ounce of your pain. I know what you struggle with each day as every mother (and father) does when their child has died. It doesn't have to be in war, it's just that the end result is the same that we all face and that's the death of a child is forever changing in our life.

I too have never returned to work. The job I loved for nine plus years I just couldn't do anymore. First I struggled with the death of my daddy on November 5, 2005 from bone, liver and lung cancer. I was mad at the doctors who had been treating him that they never located that cancer. OF course today I know that his type of cancer was so fast spreading that it was almost impossible to detect until the final stages. I took my anger out on those I worked with. When Buck was killed I took my anger out on everyone. The people I loved at work I found fault in all they did. The couselor couldn't deal with grief as they were Addiction specialist and didn't know how to deal with grief of a child. One day I just couldn't take any of the people I worked with or the addicts that came in for help. I was let go without finding a job but that was ok.

Living in a small town is also hard beause everyone knows you and the first thing they say is "I'm sorry for your loss". In my training as a peer mentor for those who have had death in military, the first thing we know is that our CHILD IS NOT LOST. They died and are not on earth anymore but they are NOT LOST. Second thing we learn is to listen to those who are grieving that death. Like us we need to talk to someone who has had the death of a child because only they know what you are feeling and that you aren't crazy.

I surround myself in my home with pictures of all my children and grandchildren. Buck is there from all ages of life until his death. I sit there in the comfort and quite of my family room and look around at the four walls that are truly wall to wall, space to space of pictures. I reflect on the life that Buck lived and the funny things he did as a child and the wonderful man, husband and father he became. I gave thanks to GOD our HEAVENLY FATHER, the day he was killed for allowing him into our lives for the 32 1/2 years he was on earth. That was probably the hardest day of my life was to write that down in my journal the day he was killed. As a christian we are to give thanks to God always even in this tragedy.

God has blessed me through this tragedy and though I grieve the death (or loss of life on earth) of Buck each day I am able to share with others who grieve the life that he lived and loved. I also share how I feel and what I might do to help not only myself but others. I started an online support group for Families of the Fallen two years ago and that was a blessing from God. It's now nationwide and we come together as a new family with our "new normal" in life. I did try to have a grief support group in Hampton county but it seemed that no one who had suffered the death of a child wanted to come and have support. So now I just open up to others and should they decide to contact me I listen and talk.

You see I stayed home for 6 months and went to the shower just to cry. No TEARS are senseless tears, if you didn't love you'd never grieve or shed those tears of love and loss of life here on earth. Again there are others who believe you should be 'OVER IT AND GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE", those are people who can't understand that the death of a child is something you will never get over nor with God's will will they ever understand. You learn each day to cope and get through that day, minute, hour, week, month, year but you never, NEVER ever GET OVER THAT LOSS OF LIFE.

Please contact me anytime. I would be more than honored to talk to you and help you in anyway I can. Roland and Buck are together and they will ask God to look down on us and bring us together to share in the healing of our souls.

In memory of my son Spc Harry (Buck) Winkler III KIA 11/12/2006 Samarra, Iraq http://goldstarfamilysupportgroup.com Where friends & families of the fallen can submit photos & messages of the loved ones who died in the service of their country

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